Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Reflection on life and a random 4 month stay in Vietnam.

To begin, I'm asking please don't post this on Reddit, some random sites, or whatever. I'm not trying to start a war, or add fuel to a fire that doesn't matter anymore. I'm honestly doing this just to clarify why I'm going to Vietnam, what for, etc. I'm not trying to get a billion views with people or looking to start any drama.

First off, I hope everyone has a Happy New Year in the States. I, unfortunately, will be on a plane to Tokyo that'll take 17 hours, and by that calculation, I'm going to say that I'm going to fly through a lot of New Years today LOL. I'm going to start the New Year off in another country, and hopefully make 2014 a year for me and everyone out there to remember.

While waiting at the airport to head Vietnam (Ho Chi Minh City) through April, I decided to write this sign-off to explain my motives and what led to this decision. For the past few months, I've been living with Justin Wong, Floe, and Cecily. I have never met people who would put up with the bullshit that I've carried with me. If they didn't care about me, they definitely didn't show it. In them, I found a family, a group of friends who I cherish more than anything. Justin especially, has put up with more crap that I've thrown at him than I thought he could take. He's been there on my ups and downs, and he's always there no matter what. I've known him for a long time, and throughout it, there has never been a moment where he hasn't been there. He's been mad, even super pissed, but in the end, he's always calmed down and been extremely understanding. I can honestly say that if it came down to it, I'd take a bullet for that guy all day. For all he's done in this world, I would be content as long as he survived. But before this becomes a Justin love story, I'll stop.

2013 was a very eventful year for me. I went through so much and it was a roller coaster of extremes through every turn. I brought a team into the LCS on a whim, Team MRN. Yes, people were asking why I would name the team after myself... I don't know. I thought through my name, and my already-established reputation, that it would bring in a lot more people and show the fighting game community that there was a great game out there that we could also play. A game that has brought millions of fans together into a huge spectacle. On top of that, nobody else could think of a good name, so there. Through it all, it was more of a project than anything. As I said, it was on a whim, and it happened fast. I had no managing skills, no business skills, it was even said on the LCS website that it was a "project" I had come up with. And because of all of that, we were destined to fall. I truly regret the fact that not only did we lose, I didn't have a better relationship with all of my players. If I did, I don't think anything that happened after the LCS would have happened. I don't blame any of the players for what they did, but I am ever so grateful that ClakeyD and AtomicN stuck by my side and understood what everyone had agreed upon. All in all, I'm not mad at anyone and they did what they thought they had to do. I believed in all of my players. I thought they were a fantastic group, and what happened mid-season was something that could go either way, positively or negatively. I loved AtomicN as a person and he is a great guy, but with a losing record, I thought I had to do something instead of just losses pile up. In the end, it probably wasn't the players fault, it was mine. I was more relaxed than anyone even after seeing all the videos of teams with whiteboards, and teams researching and talking about their games. For us, it was "oh let's watch games, and just scrim and blame each other if we lose". We were more of a family than a team trying to get to Worlds. I will never blame Riot about anything, no matter what, because they gave me such a fantastic opportunity, and I screwed it up.

With that aside, there was MadCatz, who believed in me to help my team, help me get my brand out there, and help me with what I needed along the way. MarkMan, Leang, Nate, Twins, Chris and everyone else at MadCatz always was there whenever I needed advice, and on how to do things. I don't believe I'd be anywhere at all if it weren't for them. They brought me in back when Team MRN was just me and Mark told me, "I believe in you." After that, I tried my hardest to make them not regret the time and effort spent on me. I tried to do everything in my power to make them proud, and whether or not they ultimately are/were, I'm forever grateful to them. They will forever be #1 and for more information and products, please visit store.gameshark.com for all your peripheral needs.

So why am I going to Vietnam out of all places?
Honestly, I don't know. My mom has always asked me to go, and I never wanted to because when I was five years old, I remember having to take a bath in a little swimming pool-like thing and having to flush the toilet by pouring water into it. Those were things I never wanted to do again, but after research, I found that Vietnam has modernized. Also, I went to the psychiatrist a couple of times in the past year, who confirmed what I've thought was true all along, I've been depressed almost all of my life. I've always put up a face and tried to be happy like other people, but inside, I was hurting more than I allowed people to see. Floe told me that he knew from the time he met me I was a depressed person but he never said anything cause he thought I knew, but I didn't! I always thought that bad feelings were put away with happy feelings, but in the end, it was only temporary. I've always thrown myself out in the limelight, because for all the attention whoring I did, people would respond, and I got the attention I desired. I thought, "Oh wow, if people are giving me attention, that means I'm doing something right." But it turns out, that that feeling doesn't do much for me anymore. I love when my adrenaline is pumping and I shut someone down like Flux (because he sux), but in the end, it's not something lasting, not something that makes me feel alive.

I hope by going to Vietnam, I'll find another outlook on life. At this point, when I really look at life, I find myself bored. I want to take a break from what I've been doing for the past 14 years in the FGC/eSports and I want to become something more. I love the path that I took, and I have no regrets, but I find myself feeling like there's always something more out there for me to discover. I sit around all day playing games, and besides the competitive aspect, I'm really not to fond of them. This led me to question myself about whether I played games for the competition or the attention, and I'm still not sure what the answer is, perhaps some of both. People always tell me that whatever I put my mind to, I will find a way to do it. I've looked back at all I wanted to accomplish, and I've done about 90% of what I imagined doing while growing up (I never did become a stand-up comedian :]).

I'm not going to say I've been a good person by all means, but I don't think I'm a horrible person either. I have been on both the giving and receiving end of shit, if that makes sense. I don't do anything for revenge, instead I think my actions are more spontaneous than anything else. I think that the biggest joy in my life is to do something each day that I wouldn't think I would do... like going to Vietnam. In the end, I just want a change in my life and I want to come back a different person. I apologize to all the people I have wronged, but I don't expect any apologies from people who have wronged me. I want to come back from Vietnam as a skinnier, healthier, changed person. I don't want to have all this bad reputation following me all my life, because I don't think I deserve a lot of it. I know I deserve some of it, but most of the stuff (not saying ALL ;D) is a mixture of rumors and misinformation, but that's how the internet is though, right?

The goal for me is to come back as a person who people can look up to. Right now, I think it's 50/50, a lot of people like me, but a lot of people also hate me. I like it a lot more when people like me! I don't expect people to change their views on me overnight, or maybe even at all, but I will try my hardest to change them. They always say "people don't change", but I know that I will definitely come back and change that mentality. I don't have anywhere else to go but up, because honestly, I think I've reached the most bottom part of my life.

I'm not trying to feed anyone a sob story, rather I wanted to share what's been going through my life for the people who care. I hope to come back and impress everyone by becoming the Asian Brad Pitt. All in all, I hope to come back stronger than ever and to make people proud, especially my brother, of what I can try to achieve.

Thanks for reading,

To Nelson 'Remix' Reyes: Yesterday, you had a funeral that the FGC and everyone else who knew how awesome you were was more than willing to help with. We've lost a brother, a
comrade, a partner, and most of all, a person who always put others before himself. I will change the world like you told me to. You're the one who saw past my internet 'persona' and saw the guy who loves The Notebook, and gave me an opportunity to be your friend. If you've seen me in the past couple days, you know I have been deeply hurt by losing you, but I know you would have wanted me to be a stronger person. I'm sorry for not taking every opportunity to see you like you wanted me to. I'll definitely change my ways and come meet you up there. You and I will always be the tag team champions of the world, ain't no one can challenge us now for it. R.I.P friend, I'm so sad to see you go.

1 comment:

  1. Marn, congrats on your quest to improve yourself. I'm glad you posted this.

    This probably sounds kind of crazy since we only have encountered online from time to time and we have ever talked much at all, but I've been worried about you for a while. All that stuff you said the therapist said was stuff I kind of guessed was going on. It's a pretty standard coping mechanism to fish for attention or laughs or lash out when you're hurting, but it's never a permanent solution. I'm glad you're able to see it now, because you can't fix a problem you're not aware of.

    The one thing I'm still worried about is how you have approached fixing things in the past, mostly your weight. Since I've been paying attention I've known you to go on a lot of diets, and every time, you're like I'M GONNA LOSE ALL THIS WEIGHT JUST WATCH. Then you do some something really extreme like try to live on 1000 calories while running 5 miles a day, and when you get too tired to keep doing it or put yourself in the hospital sick over it, naturally you quit, and then later on you start the whole process over again. You were just setting yourself up for failure, and it's not healthy. You didn't get where you are overnight, so it's not fair to expect yourself to change everything overnight. None of the people who succeeded at what you're aiming for did it overnight, either. You have to give yourself room to be human.

    You talk about coming back as a different person, but you don't have to be a different person, and certainly not in four months. You just have to get a little bit better every day, and keep doing that. If you can make more progress faster, that's great, but I don't want to see you try to do too much, too fast, and fall off the wagon again. Aim for the stars, but please don't kill your confidence by taking an all-or-nothing attitude and plunging deeper if things don't work out. Nobody has complete control over life, and things are going to go wrong. But as long as you keep getting back up and learning from your failures, you can do great things. I know you can do it. Good luck.